Saturday, July 28, 2012

Positive?! Wait, WHAT??!!

The day I found out I was pregnant, I had a complete and total out-of-control panic attack! haha It was on a Monday afternoon, April 2nd to be exact, at around 3:30 pm when I decided to ask my neighbor if she had any prego tests left. (she is in my ward and is about 6 weeks ahead of me) I don't know why I even asked, I still had a day or two before I was late, and after 3 years of this, I knew better than to test before I was late. I'm actually surprised I tested at all. My good friend flo had been notorious for being late and I usually just waited it out.
For those who haven't experienced infertility, there comes a point when you just kinda give up hope and either stop testing, (me) or just expect the negatives everytime.
Anyways, so I walked across the street and took the one test she had left and walked calmly home. Like I said, I seriously don't understand why I felt the need to test yet, I just KNEW it was gonna be negative. Again. SO! I go and do my business and set my nicely pee soaked stick on the side of the tub and wait a minute. Of course I look at it before I'm supposed to, and see a big fat PLUS SIGN!

I literally can't even explain the irrational things that happened next... haha I IMMEDIATELY started to ball my eyes out and found that I couldn't breathe. I stared into the mirror like my image was gonna console me or something, LOL yeah right. I was a HOT MESS within seconds. And because I was in full blown panic attack and not thinking rationally at all, of course I run across the street to my other neighbor's house with pee stick in hand and pound on her door looking a fool. When she opened it (terrified cause her daughter was playing with someone and she heard running footsteps) all I could slur out was "It's positive!!!"
She knew how long we had been trying and we had become pretty close friends, (until she MOVED to Dallas last month! :( boo!) so she brought me inside and hugged me and talked me down.

Bryce was in Georgia at the time for about 3 weeks so she asked if I had called him yet, I said no and she laughed and told me to go home and call my husband. When I called him, he was dead asleep since he was on the night shift and wasn't really all there. His exact words were, "yeaaahh....... that's how we doooo!!!...." hahaha He then told me he had to go back to sleep and so we hung up. I then called my momma and told her in tears and told her to keep it to herself for now. I also told her about Bryce's reaction. I said, "I think he'll call me tonight and tell me about a crazy dream he had." It was hilarious.
Thankfully, Bryce woke up a little and immediately texted me to "CALL ME NOW" :) I called him and he was absolutely in shock. He just kept asking me to repeat it and how many tests I had taken and telling me to take more.

From day one, we have been so incredibly grateful for the opportunity to become parents. I had some insane anxiety in the beginning, but it is so much better now and I am mostly just excited. Bryce has been amazing! He reads pregnancy blogs and articles and is so involved. During our ultrasounds he has smiles plastered on his face and at the last one he was floored at how much she had grown in 6 weeks! :) I love watching his reactions and I can't wait to see him hold her and kiss her.  
For now, I just try to ignore the fact that he's leaving almost immediately after she's born for 9 months, and focus on being grateful that he'll be there for her birth. He gets to meet her and hold her and that's what matters for now. We will just have to invest in a good camera to take videos to send to daddy and take pictures all the time!

Not a day goes by that I don't acknowledge how blessed we are to be able to start our family. The timing may not be ideal, and I may lose my mind sending my husband on deployment, moving across the country, and only being about 2-4 weeks post-partum in all of it, but I am trying to have faith that this is the Lord's plan for us. It will all work out! And hey, how hard can it be with a precious, new, yummy baby staring up at you?? :)

Here's some ultrasound pictures and some "bump" pictures from the last few weeks. :)

12 week cutie pie

14 weeks

18 weeks

our doctor told us she is 99% sure it's a girl and her nurse said she's never been wrong :)

sweet little fist!

19 weeks and I had to PEE somethin fierce!!! haha that's the only time I actually look pregnant

21 weeks!

i feel like i just look "chubby" in the tummy, but it's finally coming along!

Monday, June 18, 2012

Our journey

Warning: This post may seem a little private to some people, but I want to write everything down. Read at your own risk! ;) I told you I would be blunt!! It's also pretty long...

When Bryce and I prayerfully decided to stop taking birth control and leave it in Heavenly Father's hands just over 3 years ago, we kind of figured that it would just happen. We thought it would take maybe 4 or 5 months. As far as we knew, no one in either of our families had fertility problems. (no one of the same sex... i.e. no females on my side, no males on his side.) The fact that we might have issues getting pregnant didn't even occur to us. I think we were actually in denial about it. At least I was. And then Bryce joined the Army right after the 1 year mark passed and he left for 7 months, so we didn't really have any control of that.
Every time my period would come in all this time, I would cry. I would cry and feel my heart break over and over again. I have had depression most of my life so feeling that pain wasn't anything new to me, but this pain felt different. I not only felt sad and hopeless, I felt empty. I felt like a part of me was missing. I was feeling the ache of empty arms and an empty womb. I had heard women say things like that in my life, but I never thought I would be one of them. It was so hard for Bryce to watch me in all of this. He of course wanted children too, but he was still so terrified of being a father and the breadwinner that he wasn't feeling the pain yet along with me. When he left for basic and we had a steady income and full insurance, he started getting depressed about it too. It was even harder being apart and not being able to do anything about it.
When we were finally back together and were settled in El Paso, we decided to see a specialist. In order to do this we had to go to our doctor on base and get a referral to see someone off base. At this point we were in this for 2 years. Our doctor was Hispanic and it was very difficult to understand her. The first time we saw her, she didn't say much of anything to us. She said she would need some blood tests from me and to have Bryce tested. I also had an ultrasound, which no one told me what they were looking for and no one called me about what they found. She prescribed Femara and I had no idea why. We felt like another paycheck to her and like she didn't care about us as people at all. After a few months of frustration with her we decided to just take a break. We still had no answers and were just more stressed than before. So we stopped "trying". After talking to a couple of other Army wives at church, I learned about a specialist on base. Actually in the same building my primary doctor was in.(!) So at an appt. with my primary care physician (around 2 weeks before Thanksgiving) I asked her about Dr. Lutter. She immediately put in the request and they called me with an appt. a couple days later.
On Dec. 16th I met my amazing RE. (Reproductive Endocrinologist) Bryce couldn't get out of work so I went alone and was fuh-reaked out! I was terrified that this woman would one day tell me we would not be able to have children of our own. We had talked about adoption pretty seriously already, but I didn't want someone to tell me I couldn't have children of my own. When I got there, I was taken to a patient room like normal and when she came in she took me to her office. She was smiling and talked slow and made eye contact!! Finally a doctor I could trust. :) She not only explained all the tests we would do, but she explained WHY those tests were necessary. I had more blood taken, (10 vials! multiple times at different points in my cycle. The phlebotomist and I became friends :)) and was scheduled for an HSG.
An HSG is a procedure done at the hospital in radiology. A radiologist places a speculum (just like a pap) and then threads a catheter into your uterus. When the catheter is in place, (they can see because you are laying on a cold steel table under a type of x-ray machine) they fill the balloon at the end with saline to keep it in place and then proceed to fill your uterus and fallopian tubes with dye to see if they are open and healthy. The whole procedure usually takes between 30 minutes to an hour. I was there for over 2 hours. After realizing that my cervix was tilted up and my uterus was tilted down, the radiologist was determined to make it work somehow. It was uncomfortable and my legs were shaking at that point from being up on the table for so long. They got some long tweezers with a clamp on the end and he then proceeded to PRY OPEN my cervix with it. Ugh.... I am so grateful Bryce was there and holding my hand. After torturing me for a little longer they FINALLY called OB down to do it. I figured it would be smooth sailing with the ob/gyn but no. He still had to use the tweezer things and the radiologist had to twist the stupid speculum while he put the catheter in. I think I am prepped for the whole "no modesty" thing while in labor because there were 3 people all up in my hoo-ha that day! (Did I mention I actually had my well woman exam that morning with a pap already??? making a total of 5 people in my hoo-ha that day LOL) Thankfully the test results were good and both of my tubes were open and healthy looking. This was in the beginning of Jan.
At our follow-up appt on Feb. 7th (still having bloodwork done ALL THE TIME in between then and now) we sat down with doctor Lutter and were told everything was fine with Bryce. PHEW! Huge sigh of relief there. She then told me I have PCOS. Polycystic ovary syndrome. It means I am insulin resistant and therefore my body won't ovulate. At all. :( Don't ask how those 2 things are related, I don't know. She was a little confused though because 99% of women with PCOS are overweight because their body doesn't regulate insulin. We also have high testosterone levels which usually leads to thick facial hair along with other unusual places. I am a pretty skinny woman and I have never had issues with thick hair in unusual places. So just to be positive she ordered an ultrasound to view my ovaries and check for cysts. she went ahead and precribed Metformin, a medication used to help diabetics with their insulin. 850 mg in the morning, 850 mg at night. OMG that medicine made me sick as a dog! Not only nausea, but intestinal and bowel issues :/
BUT, after taking it for 1 cycle, WE GOT PREGNANT! We are so incredibly blessed to have found this doctor and find out our diagnosis so quickly with her. I know our journey could have been much more difficult and am grateful we got pregnant so quickly. If we had not gotten pregnant that cycle, my due date would be AFTER Bryce deploys. We can't even begin to tell you how happy we are that he will be there for the birth and first few weeks of our first baby's life.

The past 3 years have been difficult. They have been sad and frustrating and hard. I will never forget what it felt like to have those empty arms. I will never forget the looks every time we moved to a new ward and they found out how long we had been married but hadn't had kids yet. I will never forget what it felt like to hear other people announce their pregnancies and feel a little more of my heart die all over again. I'll never forget how hard it was to put on a happy face at baby showers and when good friends and family told me they were expecting. There are thousands of women out there who feel those things everyday and I will never forget them. I will never look at a woman with no children and judge her. My heart will always be with those that feel what I felt. I will always let my babies heal a broken heart. I will always invite those women to love my children as their own and offer comfort and welcome advice. I hope to never offend anyone with my pregnancy, but I also understand if I do, it has nothing to do with me.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Hello old friend...

Alright, let's not pretend that blogging is something I'm good at ;) I stopped blogging because I got busy with school last semester and then we moved and the computer broke... blah, blah, blah....

So to tie up some loose ends from the last post.. (I know you don't remember it, you can scroll and cheat)

1. School? I went to school and was very excited about it, but I do what I always do and procrastinated and failed myself and gave up. It's embarassing to admit that, but it happened and I have found peace with it and moved on.

2. Bryce's job opportunities? ..have changed and changed a million times. We are optimistic about the future for now though, which is almost crazy in today's Army. (For those of you who don't know, the Army used to be safe and secure job wise, but in the past 8 or 9 months they have been downsizing and chaptering people out. AKA firing LOTS of soldiers. Scary!)

3. Taking a break from baby making stress?? We did and it was a nice break. It still hurt when that visitor came every month, but I was kind of expecting it those couple of months, so the sting was a little less. We made that decision in August and in December we decided to take it to the next level and start some serious testing to find out the problem. That is gonna get it's own post :) Obviously things went well, but I want to make sure and write it all down while I remember it.

Now are all the loose ends tied up from last post? Good.

I want to be able to blog about my journey to get pregnant and about the dificulties of my pregnancy so far. I feel like infertility is a taboo subject amongst mormons especially, and I don't really know why. Maybe because in our faith, people have children fairly fast after marriage and a lot of times close together. Maybe because of our beliefs on the family, we don't even consider that having children would be a trial for some couples. Why would something that is the most important principle in our faith be something that is so difficult to achieve? I don't know the answers. I don't know why we have these trials in our lives that make no sense. I hope to understand one day, and I will strive to look for the answers, but I am not to that point yet. I'm still in the questioning and hurt phase of that particular struggle, but I have faith that I'll know why in the future.
Part of being able to openly talk about this subject, is being blunt. Since this is my blog, I want to be able to be open about my feelings. If I say that being pregnant sucks one day and I hate every part of it, I don't want people to think I'm a bad person. This is my journal right now, if you don't like what I say, don't read it.

I have had A LOT of stress the past couple of months and just sitting here typing is therapy. I want to try and blog at least once a week, and I hope I can keep it up to help keep myself sane if nothing else.
I am doing this mostly for myself, but a part of me also hopes others will be able to relate to my experiences and feelings. :)

Monday, August 8, 2011

Trials, Tribulations, and Blessings :)

Welp! My life is about to significantly change and I thought that deserved a blog post! First a little back story, if you will. (sorry if I bore you!)

Once upon a time, there was a newlywed couple about to celebrate their first anniversary. They lived in a super cute house just right for them and their sweet pup. He was going to school full time on a cheerleading scholarship and she was working full time helping to pay the bills. They loved the ward they were in at the time and served diligently anf faithfully in the Young Women's and Young Men's programs. Their life was fabulous, but they felt something missing from it. She wanted a baby So so so bad! She had had baby fever since she was about 12 years old. :) He was skeptical and nervous about the idea of becoming a father but they prayed about it and decided to stop preventing it from happening. They both thought that it would happen rather quickly! A few months after this decision was made they moved back home closer to family. She went to her previous job and he transferred to the 4 year university in town on scolarship with cheerleading. They got an apartment but things soon went awry and he was forced to quit school and get a job. Even then, they seemed to be struggling to pay the bills and make ends meet. (While still trying to get pregnant.) They eventually came to the decision (through prayer) that he should join the Army. He left for basic training and AIT on their second anniversary for a period of 7 months total. They were the hardest 7 months of their lives! They were reunited around Christmas time but had to pack and move 21 hours away right away! (and got a new pup!) When they got to their new town they found a cute house and everything seemed perfect. At this point it had been 2 years since they had started trying to have a baby. They now had FABULOUS insurance that allowed them to see a fertility specialist! :D They learned that there was nothing wrong and that it just simply wasn't the right time....? She felt she had no purpose in life because she couldn't find a job and she couldn't get pregnant. So, she decided to make something of herself and go to school! She registered for classes and can't wait for the fun, new, and exciting changes that are about to take place in her life!!!
The End.

sort of...

After over two years of monthly heartbrakes and disappointments, and many a tears shed, Bryce and I decided to stop trying to control the baby situation. He saw that I was extremely unhappy with my life in general and, through tears one night, managed to pry out of me that I was thinking of going to school. Perfect he said!!! Since then I did a placement test, met with a counselor, registered for classes and paid for everything :) My classes this semester are an education class, (everyone has to take it, it teaches you to be a good student..?) Math, English, and Psych...  I am OFFICIALLY a full-time college student!! YAY!!!

I literally could not be more excited! I have thought about this over and over for a while now, but just dismissed it because school is super expensive and we are trying to get OUT of debt, not add more. In the end though, we prayerfully decided that having debt for a college education is the best kind to have. :)

We are so excited for this school year. Not only will I be going to school, but Bryce will be having some awesome opportunities at work! Cross your fingers he gets into the program we NEED him to get into!!! I'll go more into it if he does. It will mean LOTS of changes next year so stay tuned!!

(YAY for college!!!)

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

An outing to the park :)

So I may not have kids yet, but I have an awesome husband who likes to have fun and see what exactly our dogs will do for us :) Thus, our walks through the neighborhood have now turned into a walk to the park to let the dogs slide down the slides! hahaha Our fatty Murphy loves it the most! Bella is usually terrified of everything, but after a few visits to the slides, we finally got her to go down!

Warning: No dogs were harmed in the making of these videos. Or forced! they run down on their own!!

Sorry they are such poor video, I have an old camera. and I don't know how to flip them so they aren't sideways.. FAIL

Friday, February 25, 2011

Just one of those months... (super long picture post!)

These past few weeks (7 to be exact) have been nothing but difficult for us. It seems like ever since we moved to El Paso we have been hit hard with one thing after another. First it was the unrelenting sickness. More commonly referred to by me as the 'crud'. It came and it stayed and it conquered for about 3 weeks. Then, it was the storm here that took away our water for 4 days, and having to work with our AWFUL property manager from hell (who never answers her phone when we need her, or fixes any of the things in the house that NEED to be dealt with!) about the busted water pipe in the backyard.  Then we got hit with serious car troubles that have still not yet been resolved.  Along with those car problems came the inevitable money problems. I am still looking for a job and thankfully I have a few promising leads, but nothing certain. And of course, last but not least, the annoying bickering and overwhelming stress that accompanies money problems. :) But through it all i know that we have been making good choices for us and that these are just bumps in the road! SO! I need to just post about something positive and remember the things I CAN be grateful for right now :D

I'm blessed that I am not being chased by a lion. (Chances are somebody, somewhere is!)

I'm grateful that I know what chocolate tastes like! (especially lately!)

My awesome family!!

My beautiful mom and sisters :)

How much fun I have with my siblings :D

Kaleb Huskinson

 baby Jay Huskinson :)

left to right: Bradley, Will, and Chris Marshall

Tanner and Connor Backus

left to right: Hannah, Hayden, and Marshall Case ( yes the names are right!)

left to right kids: Maddie, Joey, and Jack Brannelly
(don't mind my crazy bro-in-law) ;)
I absolutely LOVE every single niece and nephew that I have! I am the luckiest aunt ever!

(We are just super classy ladies)

The best friends a girl could ask for... :)

a beautiful home

And last but not least!!!

an AMAZING husband who loves me no matter what. (plus he's super duper hot!)

See, I have lots of things and people who make my life very happy :) I just needed a reminder today!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Before and Afters... You're gonna wanna see this!

So if you read my last post you know I was pretty pathetically sick recently. Like the kind of sick where you lose any sort of energy and therefore any motivation to do absolutely anything in the house. Dishes piled up, laundry piled up, dirt in the corners piled up, and I was piled on the couch with blankets and pillows and kleenex. Friday I finally was able to go to the doctor and walked out with a whopping SEVEN prescriptions. Told you I was sick :/ Anyways, yesterday I got the urge to do ALL the laundry in the house and just be done with it. This was a major task, but I completed it :) Haha Now you can look at the before and after photos and judge and then congratulate me :D

Is this not daunting?!


 Nicely folded or on their hangers!

 The piles they are in, are the individual loads I did. 9 in total! Yikes...

I feel pretty good about myself :) Tomorrow I'll have the before and after kitchen photos... If I find the courage to actually show anyone. ha