Our journey

Warning: This post may seem a little private to some people, but I want to write everything down. Read at your own risk! ;) I told you I would be blunt!! It's also pretty long...

When Bryce and I prayerfully decided to stop taking birth control and leave it in Heavenly Father's hands just over 3 years ago, we kind of figured that it would just happen. We thought it would take maybe 4 or 5 months. As far as we knew, no one in either of our families had fertility problems. (no one of the same sex... i.e. no females on my side, no males on his side.) The fact that we might have issues getting pregnant didn't even occur to us. I think we were actually in denial about it. At least I was. And then Bryce joined the Army right after the 1 year mark passed and he left for 7 months, so we didn't really have any control of that.
Every time my period would come in all this time, I would cry. I would cry and feel my heart break over and over again. I have had depression most of my life so feeling that pain wasn't anything new to me, but this pain felt different. I not only felt sad and hopeless, I felt empty. I felt like a part of me was missing. I was feeling the ache of empty arms and an empty womb. I had heard women say things like that in my life, but I never thought I would be one of them. It was so hard for Bryce to watch me in all of this. He of course wanted children too, but he was still so terrified of being a father and the breadwinner that he wasn't feeling the pain yet along with me. When he left for basic and we had a steady income and full insurance, he started getting depressed about it too. It was even harder being apart and not being able to do anything about it.
When we were finally back together and were settled in El Paso, we decided to see a specialist. In order to do this we had to go to our doctor on base and get a referral to see someone off base. At this point we were in this for 2 years. Our doctor was Hispanic and it was very difficult to understand her. The first time we saw her, she didn't say much of anything to us. She said she would need some blood tests from me and to have Bryce tested. I also had an ultrasound, which no one told me what they were looking for and no one called me about what they found. She prescribed Femara and I had no idea why. We felt like another paycheck to her and like she didn't care about us as people at all. After a few months of frustration with her we decided to just take a break. We still had no answers and were just more stressed than before. So we stopped "trying". After talking to a couple of other Army wives at church, I learned about a specialist on base. Actually in the same building my primary doctor was in.(!) So at an appt. with my primary care physician (around 2 weeks before Thanksgiving) I asked her about Dr. Lutter. She immediately put in the request and they called me with an appt. a couple days later.
On Dec. 16th I met my amazing RE. (Reproductive Endocrinologist) Bryce couldn't get out of work so I went alone and was fuh-reaked out! I was terrified that this woman would one day tell me we would not be able to have children of our own. We had talked about adoption pretty seriously already, but I didn't want someone to tell me I couldn't have children of my own. When I got there, I was taken to a patient room like normal and when she came in she took me to her office. She was smiling and talked slow and made eye contact!! Finally a doctor I could trust. :) She not only explained all the tests we would do, but she explained WHY those tests were necessary. I had more blood taken, (10 vials! multiple times at different points in my cycle. The phlebotomist and I became friends :)) and was scheduled for an HSG.
An HSG is a procedure done at the hospital in radiology. A radiologist places a speculum (just like a pap) and then threads a catheter into your uterus. When the catheter is in place, (they can see because you are laying on a cold steel table under a type of x-ray machine) they fill the balloon at the end with saline to keep it in place and then proceed to fill your uterus and fallopian tubes with dye to see if they are open and healthy. The whole procedure usually takes between 30 minutes to an hour. I was there for over 2 hours. After realizing that my cervix was tilted up and my uterus was tilted down, the radiologist was determined to make it work somehow. It was uncomfortable and my legs were shaking at that point from being up on the table for so long. They got some long tweezers with a clamp on the end and he then proceeded to PRY OPEN my cervix with it. Ugh.... I am so grateful Bryce was there and holding my hand. After torturing me for a little longer they FINALLY called OB down to do it. I figured it would be smooth sailing with the ob/gyn but no. He still had to use the tweezer things and the radiologist had to twist the stupid speculum while he put the catheter in. I think I am prepped for the whole "no modesty" thing while in labor because there were 3 people all up in my hoo-ha that day! (Did I mention I actually had my well woman exam that morning with a pap already??? making a total of 5 people in my hoo-ha that day LOL) Thankfully the test results were good and both of my tubes were open and healthy looking. This was in the beginning of Jan.
At our follow-up appt on Feb. 7th (still having bloodwork done ALL THE TIME in between then and now) we sat down with doctor Lutter and were told everything was fine with Bryce. PHEW! Huge sigh of relief there. She then told me I have PCOS. Polycystic ovary syndrome. It means I am insulin resistant and therefore my body won't ovulate. At all. :( Don't ask how those 2 things are related, I don't know. She was a little confused though because 99% of women with PCOS are overweight because their body doesn't regulate insulin. We also have high testosterone levels which usually leads to thick facial hair along with other unusual places. I am a pretty skinny woman and I have never had issues with thick hair in unusual places. So just to be positive she ordered an ultrasound to view my ovaries and check for cysts. she went ahead and precribed Metformin, a medication used to help diabetics with their insulin. 850 mg in the morning, 850 mg at night. OMG that medicine made me sick as a dog! Not only nausea, but intestinal and bowel issues :/
BUT, after taking it for 1 cycle, WE GOT PREGNANT! We are so incredibly blessed to have found this doctor and find out our diagnosis so quickly with her. I know our journey could have been much more difficult and am grateful we got pregnant so quickly. If we had not gotten pregnant that cycle, my due date would be AFTER Bryce deploys. We can't even begin to tell you how happy we are that he will be there for the birth and first few weeks of our first baby's life.

The past 3 years have been difficult. They have been sad and frustrating and hard. I will never forget what it felt like to have those empty arms. I will never forget the looks every time we moved to a new ward and they found out how long we had been married but hadn't had kids yet. I will never forget what it felt like to hear other people announce their pregnancies and feel a little more of my heart die all over again. I'll never forget how hard it was to put on a happy face at baby showers and when good friends and family told me they were expecting. There are thousands of women out there who feel those things everyday and I will never forget them. I will never look at a woman with no children and judge her. My heart will always be with those that feel what I felt. I will always let my babies heal a broken heart. I will always invite those women to love my children as their own and offer comfort and welcome advice. I hope to never offend anyone with my pregnancy, but I also understand if I do, it has nothing to do with me.

Hello old friend...

Alright, let's not pretend that blogging is something I'm good at ;) I stopped blogging because I got busy with school last semester and then we moved and the computer broke... blah, blah, blah....

So to tie up some loose ends from the last post.. (I know you don't remember it, you can scroll and cheat)

1. School? I went to school and was very excited about it, but I do what I always do and procrastinated and failed myself and gave up. It's embarassing to admit that, but it happened and I have found peace with it and moved on.

2. Bryce's job opportunities? ..have changed and changed a million times. We are optimistic about the future for now though, which is almost crazy in today's Army. (For those of you who don't know, the Army used to be safe and secure job wise, but in the past 8 or 9 months they have been downsizing and chaptering people out. AKA firing LOTS of soldiers. Scary!)

3. Taking a break from baby making stress?? We did and it was a nice break. It still hurt when that visitor came every month, but I was kind of expecting it those couple of months, so the sting was a little less. We made that decision in August and in December we decided to take it to the next level and start some serious testing to find out the problem. That is gonna get it's own post :) Obviously things went well, but I want to make sure and write it all down while I remember it.

Now are all the loose ends tied up from last post? Good.

I want to be able to blog about my journey to get pregnant and about the dificulties of my pregnancy so far. I feel like infertility is a taboo subject amongst mormons especially, and I don't really know why. Maybe because in our faith, people have children fairly fast after marriage and a lot of times close together. Maybe because of our beliefs on the family, we don't even consider that having children would be a trial for some couples. Why would something that is the most important principle in our faith be something that is so difficult to achieve? I don't know the answers. I don't know why we have these trials in our lives that make no sense. I hope to understand one day, and I will strive to look for the answers, but I am not to that point yet. I'm still in the questioning and hurt phase of that particular struggle, but I have faith that I'll know why in the future.
Part of being able to openly talk about this subject, is being blunt. Since this is my blog, I want to be able to be open about my feelings. If I say that being pregnant sucks one day and I hate every part of it, I don't want people to think I'm a bad person. This is my journal right now, if you don't like what I say, don't read it.

I have had A LOT of stress the past couple of months and just sitting here typing is therapy. I want to try and blog at least once a week, and I hope I can keep it up to help keep myself sane if nothing else.
I am doing this mostly for myself, but a part of me also hopes others will be able to relate to my experiences and feelings. :)